


Pulse

by XinaV



Category: GOT7
Genre: (If you haven't noticed by now), Accidental overdose, Depression/References to Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I love Mark Tuan, Mark Tuan-centric, Monsta X Minhyuk appears for a bit, Still someone help him, You're fine (I would have warned you if that was the case), no death though, someone please help him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XinaV/pseuds/XinaV
Summary: It was becoming unbearable. Day in, day out, it was all he felt. The pain has long passed just being nagging or bothersome—it was crippling. That hammering pulse in his head just wouldn't go away and it was really starting to affect him now. It couldn't affect him though. He had to keep going, keep smiling, keep working—he couldn't just stop. He didn't want to stop and he didn't want to worry anyone. He just wanted the pain to go away.So that's what he tried to do. That's all he was trying to do.It went so terribly wrong.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 59





	1. He'll be okay

**Author's Note:**

> I love Mark with all my heart which is why I had to put him through some hurt/angst. I don't see a lot of Mark-centered stories so I just want to help add some for those of us who want to read stories focused on him. 
> 
> As said in the tags, there is an ACCIDENTAL overdose in this story—I will warn you again in that chapter. I'll tell you now though, there is no character death in this so you can take a breath.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this story! Thank you for reading 💖

They go on in ten.

There’s nothing quite like the thrill of performing if you ask them. To see all of the fans, to hear them scream, to see all of the lightsticks light up the venue—there was just nothing like this. The fans’ energy and excitement radiate off of them and fill the entire space, giving any performer a boost like no other. They may be tired after a show but before and during, it’s as if they don’t know what exhaustion is. Performing is such a rush.

So it was strange that Mark didn’t feel it this time.

Only ten minutes left before they go on stage and see their amazing fans but yet Mark doesn’t feel that excitement in him. He loves rapping, loves dancing, loves performing so why doesn’t he feel pumped up to do this show like he usually does?

He’ll tell you what he does feel though—a headache. A throbbing headache that makes him feel like his heart is in his skull. He thought it’d go away by now—first feeling it when they were doing sound checks—but it hasn’t and it’s bothering him. He needs the pulsing to stop at least long enough for him to get through the show with a smile. The fans deserve the best and that’s what he wants to give them. Headache or not, he wants to give this his all.

So he asks the staff for medicine for his headache, flashing them a shy smile when one of them looks at the clock with a questioning look. Yes, it’s a bit late for him to take it but better now than never. 

Fortunately, they give it to him without any issues and he gratefully takes the two pills. As he pops them in his mouth, he notices Jinyoung’s curious stare at him. He gives a thumbs up though as he takes a drink of water, silently saying that he’s okay. The younger nods and continues what he was doing, to Mark’s relief. He doesn’t want any of them to worry—it’s just a small headache after all. He just has to wait for the medicine to kick in and he’ll be good.

He says that over and over as they all go to their places to get this show started. It’ll go away soon, he’ll be fine.

Even as he’s on the platform, waiting to be raised up and greet the fans, he doesn’t feel that excitement that he always feels. He feels a bit of nerves as usual and there is some joy rising in him as he waits, but that body shaking excitement isn’t there as of yet and it’s strange. Maybe it’s because of his headache. Once it goes away, maybe then he’ll feel that rush.

The platform slowly raises and it’s officially showtime. Any cares or worries (or pain, Mark’s mind tells him) has to be pushed aside. All that’s going to be left are the fans and the music. Everything else can be picked back up once they’re done.

Being greeted by bright green lights, all of them settle into their performer mode, getting the song started.

This is GOT7.

Two songs and half an introduction done, Mark, unfortunately, notices that his headache is still present and pulsing. But he looks in the crowd and sees fans with pictures of him and signs with his name and he tells himself not to think about it. If the headache doesn’t go away soon then he’ll just power through it. A performer has to do what a performer has to do.

They get through their introduction and music for their next song begins. He can do this.

Fortunately, on a brighter note, as he is performing, he feels a bit of the fans’ energy reach him and pump him up. That along with his members' natural energy and excitement helps get his mind off of the pain in his head and more on the performance itself. He can get through this.

With some jokes, a few forced aegyo moments, silly moments, and the fans singing along, Mark finds himself with more vigor to his step. He doesn’t feel as he usually does but it’s good enough for him at the moment. They all have their off days—this is just his. So he’s glad that he can get through each performance without giving away that he’s having an off day. Performing is good for him—it’s one hell of a medicine, he must say.

When they’re sitting down to watch the video with the fans, the slight rush he was feeling begins to die down but he ignores it. He’ll be up and moving soon so it’s okay.

He makes it through the video and the commentary after it—which does bring a smile to his face—ready for the next song.

During one of the songs, he sits on the edge of the stage and reaches out to the fans. Their excited faces (though some of them are crying) bring him a certain soft sense of happiness that differs from his normal happiness when performing. This one feels warm and cold at the same time—like it’s there but he knows it’s going to flee.

He shakes the confusing thought from his head and focuses on the fans. It’s definitely not the time to get all philosophical on himself.

Even when the song finishes, Mark stays at the edge of the stage, making funny faces with the fans.

“Everyone, hyung’s old age is catching up to him,” Yugyeom says, pointing to Mark.

“Yeah, look at how he sat for the whole song. He’s not as young as he used to be,” BamBam tags in.

The other members cover their mouths, holding back their laughs so as no to join the death wish of the other two.

“Yah!” Mark pops up from his spot with a glare and runs at the disrespectful youngers.

The crowd laughs and cheers as Mark chases Yugyeom and BamBam around. They run around the other members, trying to throw Mark off of their tails, laughing though they know they’re going to get it one way or another.

Eventually, it’s Jackson who grabs Mark and faces the fans.

“I have an idea. What about a game? If they lose, Hyung gets to slap their butts. If they win, they go free,” he says.

The fans cheer in agreement, excited over the idea. The three in question decide to agree to the game, seeing it as a fair way to settle this.

And to BamBam and Yugyeom’s misfortune, they end up losing the game.

Mark jumps up and down, ready to give them their punishment—always excited for that. The two rock-paper-scissors to see who gets hit first and Yugyeom is the first victim.

Jackson and Jaebeom hold their youngest still as he is bent over, not ready but waiting for his hit. Mark readies his arm, grin bigger than ever before. He swings and his hand makes contact with Yugyeom’s behind with a loud slap. The younger bites back a shout and Mark laughs cheerfully, the fans joining in his excitement.

It’s now BamBam’s turn. He tries to get away but in an act of betrayal, both Yugyeom and Youngjae grab him and hold him still. He shouts treachery as they keep him steady. Mark comes behind him, charges up his swing, and lets it fly—hitting BamBam’s behind with a forceful but joyful slap.

With two youngest getting their dues and Mark thoroughly satisfied at getting his payback, the show continues—the group riding on the high of everything. 

They finish their show on a high note, thanking all of their fans for joining them for the night and wishing them a safe way home. They say their last goodbyes and good wishes, seeing the green lights as their last thing as the platform goes down.

Finally, it’s all over.

They all drop into whatever is the closest seat to them. Another successful concert.

As the thrill begins to wear off and tiredness hits them all, they start to do the normal post-concert routine. It’s time to finish up everything and get out of here.

While Mark is going about things, however, that niggling feeling of pulsing comes back to his head and he groans. God, why did his head have to start hurting again?

Maybe he just needs a good night’s sleep, that’s all.

By tomorrow, he’ll be okay.


	2. He'll make it through

He is not okay.

Goddamn it, his head hurts. This stupid headache keeps reappearing. Sometimes he’s granted a few hours without it but it seems to find its way back one way or another. Its annoying pulsing has become a feeling he has been experiencing more and more and it’s killing him.

He doesn’t know why this headache keeps appearing. He’s been drinking plenty of water, eating when he has to—despite not really feeling hungry—and taking rests in between schedules. Okay so he’s been having a bit of trouble sleeping/staying asleep but a lack of sleep is normal during comeback season so that can’t be it. And there’s not really that much going on where he could be stressed—he doesn’t think so at least—so he really isn’t sure why his head keeps throbbing.

Headaches aside though, his days have been moving slow and he doesn’t know if that’s because of everything he’s doing or what. Or maybe he’s the one moving slow. His body has been feeling heavier than usual. He’s not necessarily tired but just lacking energy in general even when he’s not doing anything. Perhaps that’s what’s making the days drag on.

Like right now.

“You ready hyung?”

Mark snaps out of his thoughts and focuses on Youngjae in front of him, holding Coco.

Today, the two of them are doing a doggy playdate VLive. The fans love Milo and Coco so much so it was thought that a live with them both in it would be a nice treat for them. Mark was hype for the idea when they were discussing it but now they’re here and he doesn’t feel that hype anymore. He’s not against it—he does want to do the live—he just isn’t buzzing about it. He doesn’t know, he hasn’t been very excited about things for a while now but he thinks that’s because of his lack of energy. He probably needs to sleep a day away to gain back his energy.

“Yeah I am,” he says.

He calls Milo and his cute baby comes running to him, never failing to bring a smile to his face. He picks him up and carries him over to the couch where they will be doing the live.

Him and Youngjae make sure everything is set up properly, barely being able to keep the two dogs in their laps still—Milo trying to lick Mark’s face while Coco is trying to see what in the world is Milo doing. Once everything is good, they start the live.

The viewers roll in in mere seconds, comments already moving by fast.

“Hi guys,” Youngjae says, waving Coco’s paw.

Mark turns Milo toward the camera, stopping him from attacking his face with kisses so he can wave to the camera.

“Hi,” Mark says, pulling back his face as Milo still tries to turn around and give him kisses.

Youngjae brings his phone closer to read the comments.

“We’re doing a playdate with Coco and Milo today but it looks like Milo wants to play with hyung more than he does Coco,” Youngjae says, responding to one of the comments.

Mark points to the stuffed toy near Youngjae and the younger passes it to him. He waves it in front of Milo’s face, easily catching the dog’s attention. He throws it across the room and both Milo and Coco shoot up and chase after it.

“Just have to get them started,” Mark says.

With the two dogs trying to get the toy for themselves, Mark and Youngjae go to read more comments. As usual, the comments go past their eyes fast as ever but they are able to catch a few.

Coco comes trotting back, toy in her mouth and she drops it in Youngjae’s lap.

“Looks like Milo lost the race,” Youngjae laughs.

He throws the toy again, the two dogs racing off again.

The live continues on this way, the two reading and answering comments in between throwing the toy for the two playful dogs. 

Mark doesn’t do much talking—maybe even less than usual—letting Youngjae’s natural cheer take the lead. He’s present but at the same time, he isn’t. He doesn’t really know how to explain it. He’s done plenty of lives before but never felt so...he doesn’t even know the word to use. He doesn’t really know what to think or what he’s feeling so he unknowingly stays quiet—even for his standard. Whenever Youngjae says something to him or a comment is directed toward him he’ll talk but other than that, he just silently watches the comments while playing with the dogs.

His head is, unfortunately, still pulsing but he tries to keep his face neutral so as not to show his discomfort. He needs the pain to go away at least for now so he can focus without such a struggle. He doesn’t want to look like he’s in pain in front of thousands of viewers. But it’s not like he can get up and take some meds midway through a live so he has to suck it up for now. He hopes his face is as neutral as he thinks it is.

At one point, Milo comes barreling back, jumping onto Mark’s lap. He puts his paws on Mark’s chest and gets in his face as if he’s trying to get his attention.

“Youngjae-ah, I think Coco is keeping the toy from him,” trying to speak over Milo’s affection that admittedly gets him to laugh.

Youngjae calls Coco and she comes back, the toy nowhere to be seen. She jumps onto Youngjae’s lap, looking at him expectantly.

“It looks like they lost the toy altogether. But ahgases are thanking Milo for making you laugh,” Youngjae says, petting Coco.

Mark can’t help the small smile that touches his face and he rubs Milo’s fur.

“You hear that? They’re thanking you. You’re such a good boy,” he says in his “talking to a dog” voice.

Milo happily takes the praise and attention, knowing he did something good.

“Everyone, there are three times that Mark hyung is the happiest: when there’s food, when one of us receives a punishment, and when Milo or Coco are involved. Those are the quickest ways to see him smile,” Youngjae says.

Mark chuckles—it isn’t exactly wrong.

“Youngjae would trade all of us for Coco. He’d let Coco sit on a chair and make us stand,” he counters.

Youngjae doesn’t even try to deny it, lifting Coco up and peppering her with kisses. She returns the affection with her own kisses, making Youngjae giggle.

The two continue their live, playing with their dogs and talking more about them than responding to comments but no one minds. Everyone knows that when those two get together, Milo and Coco become the main topic—they love their cutie dogs.

They soon come to an end, saying their goodbyes as they wave their respective pet’s paw. They promise to be back soon and then end the live.

“You okay? You seemed lost in your head during that,” Youngjae asks him.

Was he? He doesn’t really know if he was. He’s pretty sure he was focused during that—he saw all of the comments and he thinks he heard everything Youngjae was talking about. He tried his best to focus at least so he should have seemed present. But maybe it didn’t look that way. He should check the replay when it goes up.

“Yeah, I am. I think I’m just tired. I also have a headache so that’s probably it as well,” he says.

And speaking of his headache, he needs to take something for it so he can at least attempt to get through the rest of the day.

He heads over to his bag and pulls out a bottle he’s been very familiar with lately. He takes out two pills and grabs the water bottle on the side. In one fluid motion, he takes the medicine, silently praying for it to work and work fast.

“I hope your headache gets better. Maybe you just need some sleep for it to go away,” Youngjae says.

Mark gives him a smile. He thought the same thing but now he’s starting to think it won’t be that simple. He won’t tell Youngjae that though—he doesn’t want to worry the younger.

“Thanks, I hope so too. Until I can get some sleep though, let’s hope these pills kick in soon,” he replies.

Or at all for that matter.

For the day’s sake and everyone else’s though, even if the meds don’t work, he’ll keep an okay face on. It really isn’t that bad so he can make it through the day. And if anything, he can just take more medicine and the pain will have to go away. This pulsing will have to go away.

He just has to keep pushing through. But man does he want to just sit down somewhere and do nothing. He just has to get through this schedule and he’s free. Hopefully, when he goes home he can fall asleep and stay asleep.

Until then, he’ll be fine.


	3. Yet another two pills

He takes yet another two pills.

The whole action barely registers in his mind due to how often he does it. He takes pills for his headache more times than he eats in a day at this point. Sometimes, he pushes through it—not wanting to rely on medicine too much—but other times when he needs to be okay fast, he takes the pills to get him through.

Right now is one of those moments.

The seven of them are going out to dinner. Usually, he’d really look forward to having some downtime with them but lately, he hasn’t been feeling much. It’s like he feels too drained to look forward to things. When he smiles, it feels a bit empty and even that takes energy out of him. He thinks the best way to describe it is that he feels like he’s on autopilot. Wake up, take medicine, do his schedule, take more medicine, go home, sleep (or try to), repeat. Every action he does is just automatic. He was sorta hoping that going to dinner with his friends would change things up and make him feel...alive...but so far, that doesn’t seem like it’ll be the case.

Despite the empty, unknown feeling—that he’s going to call tiredness—he still wants to attempt to have a good time and make sure the others enjoy themselves. So he will do his best to keep a smile on and be as natural as he can so everything goes well and they can all enjoy their time together.

But for him to do that, he needs this pulsing to die down a bit so down the pills go. Sooner or later the medicine will kick in.

And fortunately for him, by the time they are at the restaurant, the pulsing does die down a bit. That gives him some hope that this will go okay.

As per their norm, they carry a lively (chaotic) vibe with them as they sit down at their table, ready to eat. It’s times like this Mark is glad that he’s always been quiet because he doesn’t feel pressured to speak up and he doesn’t have to worry about whether his silence is concerning to them. He can just sit there and watch them go on as he tries to keep a light expression on his face.

They each take a menu and look to see what they want. It was decided to have Italian tonight—the majority of them having a taste for it—so they’ve been looking forward to this.

Looking at the menu though, Mark tries to keep the soft frown off of his face. He doesn’t feel hungry. He hasn’t felt hungry in a while actually—some times more than others. Really, he doesn’t want to eat at all but not eating would look extremely weird. They’d probably think he was sick because it’s not often he doesn’t want to eat at all—well it wasn’t often but they don’t need to know that it changed. So he should order something despite it all.

He settles on picking something small and hoping that he can eat enough to not raise any eyebrows.

He does not miss the few questioning glances when he receives as he orders but no one says anything—to his relief. He also doesn’t miss, however, the “we’re going to make him try some of our food” looks that go around and he prays he can avoid that. He’s going to be sick if he has to eat too much.

The conversation picks back up once they finish ordering. Mark says a few things here and there but he mainly just listens to what they’re saying. He tries to ignore the weird sensation in his chest and that strange feeling that makes him feel present but not all at the same time. He feels like he wants to go tuck himself away in a corner but at the same time wants to speak up so they could see him. He has no clue what any of that means so he ignores it and focuses on them. This is a time to enjoy himself, not think about things he doesn’t understand.

“What are you going to do for the break, hyung?”

Mark lifts his head up as he realizes he’s the one being asked the question. He looks at Youngjae curiously but he sees that everyone is looking toward him, waiting for his answer.

“What do you mean?” He asks.

With their schedules coming to a close, they’re finally getting some time to rest. He admittedly didn’t think about what to do but he thought they were all going to do nothing and figure it out as they go like they usually do.

“Well, Jackson hyung and I are catching flights back home,” BamBam says.

“And we’re going home for a bit,” Jaebeom says, gesturing to him and the other Korean members.

Oh, that’s what they mean. It’s not the first time they’ve all gone home for a break to see their families so he isn’t really surprised. It does make him a bit lonely though since he can’t go see his family like that. It was worse when they were all still in the dorms because then he’d really feel the emptiness but now it’s not so bad. He usually finds ways to combat the homesickness.

“You could come along with me if you like? You know my parents love you like their own,” Yugyeom suggests.

Mark gives him a grateful smile, always appreciating the youngest’ kind heart. He may mess with them sometimes but Yugyeom’s a giant softie when it comes down to it.

“Nah, it’s okay. I was just thinking about staying home and catching up on sleep. I’m probably not going to move for days,” he says, hoping it comes across lighthearted.

He probably doesn’t even have the energy to keep up a—he doesn’t want to say happy persona because then that sounds sad and like there’s something wrong—personable (though he doesn’t think that’s much better) demeanor to go home with one of them. He wants them to enjoy their time home.

“You haven’t been sleeping much, have you?” Jinyoung asks.

Mark can hear the motherly questioning in Jinyoung’s voice, something only he can pull off in this group. He knew it was going to come though.

“Not as much as I usually do but it’s fine. I’m going to make up for it during this break,” he replies.

Or at least he hopes to. He doesn’t know if his body will be kind enough to allow him to sleep longer than he has been.

He goes back to his food, forcing himself to eat another forkful just so the conversation can either end or change. He doesn’t want to go much further into his lack of sleep.

Fortunately, the others don’t push the matter and the conversation changes topics. They all begin to talk about other things so as not to let the mood visibly fall.

Midway through eating, however, Mark feels his throat close, refusing to swallow the food. He tries his hardest not to gag, taking a drink to forcefully push it down. It doesn’t go so well though, leaving him to feel as if he’s going to throw up any moment now. So he excuses himself and heads to the bathroom as quickly as he can without turning heads.

Once out of sight, he rushes into a stall, closing it with a slam and locking it behind him. He gags and chokes but nothing comes up—which could be good or bad. He just stays there, waiting for the gagging to stop so he can breathe properly.

When it finally stops, he leaves the stall to go wash his hands. As he steps out though, he sees Jackson waiting by the sinks and he holds back a grimace knowing that he was caught.

“I didn’t throw up if that’s what that look is for,” Mark says as he turns on the water.

“You didn’t, but it still sounded pretty bad to me,” Jackson responds.

Mark can tell already that they’re not going back out there until they talk. Jackson can definitely push a matter when he chooses to and he has a good feeling it’s going to be one of those times.

He sighs as he scrubs his hands clean.

“It wasn’t. You don’t have to worry about it,” he says.

Honestly, what could he tell him? He didn’t feel like eating for some strange reason and his body decided it had enough? Yeah, that would fly over easy.

“I do have to worry because you haven’t seemed yourself lately. You’ve been so quiet and drained, you have dark circles under your eyes that you always have to cover up with makeup, and you’ve been eating less too. And don’t think we’re not seeing you take pills like every day. Come on Mark, what’s going on?” Jackson says.

Mark can feel the beginning tingles of that Godforsaken pulsing returning to his head as this topic brought up and he tries not to wince at its reappearance.

“Nothing’s going on. I just haven’t been sleeping as much and I’ve been tired because of it,” he says.

“And the frequent pill taking and you almost throwing up just now?” Jackson presses.

Lord why do they have to notice these things sometimes. He really doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t know what there is to talk about to begin with. He doesn’t know what’s going on with himself so he definitely can’t talk about it.

“Headaches. I’ve been having headaches. And just now, I ate more than I thought and I started gagging. Does that answer your questions? We really should get back to the guys,” Mark says.

Jackson sighs and puts a hand on Mark’s shoulder, giving him a look full of concern.

“We’re worried about you. If you saw one of us moving around how you’ve been lately, wouldn’t you be concerned? We’re just trying to make sure that you’re okay,” he says.

Mark can’t argue against that because he would be worried if one of them was going through whatever he’s going through now. He’d be lying if he said he couldn’t understand why they are worried. He doesn’t want them to be though. He’s fine, really. They shouldn’t have to worry so much.

He gives Jackson the most honest look he can muster, allowing some of his tiredness to show in an attempt to show that he’s opening up a bit.

“I’m okay. I’m  _ going _ to be okay, is that a bit better? I’m just tired. That’s really it. I think maybe once I get some proper sleep, my headaches will stop. You don’t have to worry so much. This break will do us all some good,” he says.

Jackson doesn’t know how much he believes and still sees a lot of reasons to worry but they’re taking a step in a good direction—at least Mark acknowledged that he’s not currently okay.

“Alright then. Just please tell us if things get worse. We’re here for you,” he responds.

Mark offers him a small smile and nods.

“I will. I’ll keep you guys updated,” he says.

Jackson accepts it—for now. He can only hope that Mark keeps his word and that the older does in fact get better.

“Thank you. Let’s get back to them now before they hunt us down or something,” he responds.

Mark nods in agreement. Knowing them, they’d start a scene any minute now. He thinks he worried them enough so he’ll try to make the rest of the evening go well at the very least.

“Alright, let’s go.”


	4. Make it stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has an ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE

It hurts. It hurts so badly.

Mark groans into his pillow, almost on the verge of tears at this point. His head hurts so badly, worse than it ever has before. He doesn’t know why it’s throbbing so much but it’s killing him.

He feels terrible in general. His body feels heavy and tied down. His mind holds no thought but feels uncomfortably crowded. He hasn’t left his bed since he woke up though he knows he should move. He should brush his teeth at the very least but he can’t find it in him to get out of the blanket. He feels like crying and something tells him that even if his head wasn’t killing him he’d feel the same way. Even Milo has given up on trying to get him to move, laying down on the floor and looking up at him every so often with sad eyes.

What’s wrong with him? Why does he feel this way? Is he catching a cold or something? He doesn’t want to go to the doctor but even he knows that this has been going on for a bit. His days just feel longer and longer, his friends are becoming more worried about him, and he’s just been feeling worse. What is he going to do? How does he make it go away before he has to be in the public’s eye again?

His phone vibrates on the nightstand and he honestly debates answering it. But after it keeps ringing, he decides to just answer to at least see who it is and what they want.

He grabs it from the nightstand and looks at the caller ID. 

Minhyuk.

“Hello,” he answers, trying not to sound so dead.

_ “Mark! I didn’t think you were going to answer there for a sec. Were you sleeping?” _ Minhyuk says.

Lie and say yes or say no and hear him ask what’s wrong?

“Yeah, I was just taking a nap, I woke up a few minutes ago. What’s up?” He says.

_ “Ah okay. I’m just calling to see if we’re still on for today,” _ Minhyuk replies.

Mark swears in his head. He forgot he and Minhyuk were supposed to hang out today. He promised him that they’d do something together no matter what since they’re both free. He doesn’t know how he forgot that.

“Yeah, we’re still on,” he says.

_ “Cool. Give me like two hours and I’ll be over by you. I’ll let you know when I’m near,” _ Minhyuk says.

“Alright no problem, see you soon,” Mark says.

They hang up and Mark swears again, throwing his head into his pillow. Why did he have to feel like this today of all days? He’d be a terrible friend if he canceled on such short notice and he does want to hang out but he feels so dead right now. He doesn’t know if he’s even really up for being around people. He has to try though. He can’t let this fall through and he can’t ruin the day with his mood.

So with that in mind, he tells himself that he has to get out of bed.

“Okay, on the count of three,” he mumbles.

He ends up getting up at fifteen but that’s three five times so it technically counts. What matters is that he finally got up out of the bed. Even Milo is celebrating that, wagging his tail excitedly.

“Hey buddy, I did it. Now let’s see if I can get in the shower without convincing myself to get back in the bed,” he says, giving Milo a small smile.

Milo accompanies him happily to the bathroom, being his moral support. And boy does he need it because walking in itself feels like a hard task. He wants to be back under his blanket but for Minhyuk, he’ll keep moving.

He succeeds in taking a shower and brushing his teeth like he should have done hours ago. He doesn’t have enough energy to dry his hair so he guesses he’ll be with wet hair for a while. He puts on the simplest thing that won’t make him look like he rolled out of bed but still comfortable enough to not feel weighed down more. When he’s finished, he heads to his living room to avoid the temptation to get back in the bed.

A particularly painful throb hits him and he winces sharply, grabbing his head. His head feels like it’s about to explode. God this feels so painful, he never knew a headache could hurt so badly. He needs it to go away. He can’t go anywhere or deal with anything while he has a headache like this.

But how does he make it go away? The painkillers he’s been taking seem to work less and less for him. He doesn’t want to take more pills than he should so what should he do?

He decides to check his medicine cabinet to see if he has anything stronger than the regular pills he takes.

He goes back to the bathroom, praying to find something that can help him.

A bunch of different medicines he doesn’t even recall having are looked at for the first time in who knows how long as he searches. When he feels better, he has to clean this cabinet out so he won’t have to do so much searching the next time.

His hand lands on a bottle that he hasn’t seen in a bit. He remembers being prescribed it for when he had that leg injury and it definitely helped stop the pain. How many did he use to take though?

He scans the bottle but his brain barely processes any of the words. The excruciating pain in his head isn’t allowing him to read carefully enough and his eyes are starting to hurt trying. He needs to take something now so he can give it time to kick in before Minhyuk gets here. Most medicines say not to take more than six pills in twenty-four hours so as long as he takes less than that he should be fine. He never takes more than three of anything anyway.

He walks out of the bathroom, bottle in hand, and heads to the kitchen to get some water. Hopefully this medicine doesn’t take too long to kick in because this headache is getting worse by the minute. Goddamn it, it hurts like hell. 

In an automatic movement, he opens the bottle and pours the pills in his hand. He knows immediately that too many came out, vaguely seeing eight pills—though at this point his vision is pulsing alongside with his head so he probably counted wrong. He tosses them back in one by one, counting backward from eight until he reaches three—the amount he usually takes when he has a lot of pain. He’s pretty sure it’s three, running his fingers over them. Once he’s a good percent sure, he stops thinking and focuses on getting rid of this pain.

“Please make the pulsing stop,” he whispers to the pills.

He pops them in his mouth and sends them down with a gulp of water. He sits down on a barstool, resting his head on the counter, and waits for either the medicine to kick in or for Minhyuk to call. Hopefully the former will happen before the latter.

~~~

Neither. Neither happened first.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed—ten minutes, thirty minutes, an hour, he doesn’t know—but what he does know is that he does not feel better in any meaning of the word.

The room feels like a furnace and he feels sweat drip down his face. His stomach is turning round and round, making him feel extremely nauseous. Even with his head down, he could feel it spinning. It feels like it weighs a ton—he couldn’t lift it even if he wanted to.

What’s happening? Why does he feel so terrible? What the hell is going on with his body?

Air begins to disappear around him and it becomes hard to breathe. His ears are ringing but he can hear his shallow breathing through the noise. His vision is becoming extremely blurry, making him feel more unsteady. The taste of bile burns the back of his throat, making him want to gag.

His eyes start to droop, feeling unusually heavy, and at this point, he can’t make out anything around him. He can’t even feel his heart beating in his chest despite the tightness that feels like his rib cage is directly on his organs.

Is he...is he  _ dying _ ?

Oh God no. No, no, is that what this feeling is? Is he dying? Is his body giving up on him? No, this can’t happen. He doesn’t want to die. He can’t die this way. He can’t die all alone with no one even knowing that he’s going. He can’t die yet. He hasn’t seen his family in person for months now. He hasn’t spent time with his nieces one last time or ate his mother’s cooking one last time or had a drink with his siblings  _ one last time _ —he can’t just die. He can’t die when his members—his friends, his brothers—are all far away from him, thinking he’s okay. He wants to perform with them one more time. He wants to be with them one more time. He can’t die. He can’t.

He doesn’t want to die.

His phone rings next to him and he thanks God over and over for the sound alone. Someone’s calling him. He can hear someone’s voice. They can help him.

His arms feel like they have cinder blocks chained to them but he forces one up so he can answer the phone. He can’t let his only hope go to voicemail.

He succeeds in answering the call.

_ “Hey Mark, I’m almost there—maybe about twenty more minutes or less.” _

Minhyuk. Minhyuk is coming to him. He can have someone here with him.

“H...help...me,” he struggles to get out.

The line is silent for a moment and Mark fears that they didn’t hear him. He tries to lift his head up a bit so he can speak clearer.

_ “Mark? What’s wrong?” _ Minhyuk asks, worry now in his voice.

Mark can barely breathe, lungs burning for air now but feeling so so numb. He can’t die this way though. He can’t.

“Help...me...pl...please. H...home...hel…”

His body sways and he falls off of the stool, onto the floor. The phone falls out of his hand and lands a distance away from him. He can’t move to reach it, his body going numb completely. Through the ringing in his ears, he hears barking but he can barely process it.

His eyes begin to close on their own, becoming much too heavy for him to keep them open.

Only one more thought his mind registers before finally giving into the darkness.

_ I don’t want to die. _

* * *

_ “Help...me...pl...please. H...home...hel…” _

A loud thump sound happens, startling Minhyuk and only adding to his worry.

“Mark? Mark? Mark, answer me! Mark!”

His frantic shouts get no response though and all he hears is Milo in the back, barking like crazy.

He swears and hangs up. This isn't good at all. Mark didn’t sound good at all—that is when he was actually responding. Oh God, what’s wrong with Mark?

He quickly dials 119 as he presses a bit more on the gas pedal. He has to hurry up.

_ “119, what’s your emergency?” _

“I just called my friend and he sounded like he couldn’t breathe. He was asking for help before I heard a thump on the other end and then he wasn’t responding. Something is seriously wrong with him,” he says, words rushing out of his mouth faster than ever.

Actually saying aloud that something is happening with Mark raises his anxiety up more as it really registers in his mind how bad Mark sounded over the phone. He could barely speak.

_ “Alright sir, do you know where your friend is located currently?” _

“Yes, he’s home and I’m on my way there now. His address is XXXX. I should be there in a couple of minutes,” he says.

_ “Okay, I’m sending an ambulance to that location now. When you get to his house, assess the situation and remain calm. Help is on the way.” _

He doesn’t know how well he’ll do with staying calm but he’ll see. 

After what feels like an eternity, he finally reaches Mark’s house. He parks his car in a way that’s probably illegal and rushes out.

He bangs on the door, trying to see if he can get some form of a response. All he hears though is Milo barking from behind the door.

With no other idea in his head and adrenaline coursing through him, he backs up and kicks at the lock.

He kicks with all his might, determined to get inside. Fortunately, it only takes him a few kicks before he busts the lock and gains entry.

He runs inside, looking around frantically. He follows Milo’s barking, hoping it will lead him to Mark. 

It does and he will never be able to forget the sight.

On the ground, face down, Mark lies unconscious. His skin is pale and his shirt is soaked from sweat. Milo is by his head, barking away at his owner who doesn’t respond.

He quickly scrambles to the floor and turns Mark over. He feels his hands tremble as he sees Mark’s blue lip—the only part of him that seems to have some color.

“Mark? Mark? Hyung, wake up. Hyung, please wake up. Oh God, please wake up,” he begs.

He searches for a pulse but it’s so faint he doesn’t know if it’s actually there or if that’s his desperation playing tricks on him. He doesn’t see Mark’s chest rise and fall, leading him to believe the worst.

He looks around, trying to find anything to give him a hint as to what could have happened. His eyes land on an opened pill bottle on the counter and he feels his own face pale. He looks back down to Mark, tears stinging his eyes.

“Please tell me you weren’t trying to do that. Please tell me. Hyung, you can’t go. Please hang in there. Please don’t die,” he says, voice cracking.

Mark couldn’t have actually been trying to...to  _ kill _ himself, was he? Did he think it’d be peaceful but then became scared and asked for help? Was he actually trying this? No. No, he won’t believe that until he hears it from Mark himself. He can’t think about anything until he knows Mark is going to live.

“Paramedics, is anyone here?” A voice calls out.

Minhyuk gasps for air as he snaps back to his senses.

“Over here!” He shouts.

A man and a woman rush over to them with a gurney and immediately get to work. Minhyuk is forced to move back so they can lift Mark up and put him on the stretcher.

“Do you know what happened to him?” The female paramedic asks.

Minhyuk points to the open bottle with a shaky finger.

“I think...I think he took those,” he says.

She nods, understanding the situation. 

“Can I go to the hospital with him?” Minhyuk quickly asks.

He’d go insane if he doesn’t see for himself Mark receiving help. He can’t leave. Not now.

“Yes. Grab the bottle and come with us,” she says.

Minhyuk nods, forcing himself to his feet. He spots Milo’s leash nearby and he quickly clips it to the dog’s collar and ties it around the kitchen post so he doesn’t run out while they’re gone. Once Milo’s secured, he grabs the pill bottle and lid and follows the paramedics who have carefully and successfully put Mark onto the gurney.

They rush to the ambulance, time being of most importance at this point. They get Mark in and then climb in themselves. They give the driver the okay and off they go to the hospital. An oxygen mask is put on Mark’s face and one of them begins to set an IV line.

As the other paramedic is preparing some kind of needle though, Mark’s body begins to shake violently. If it weren’t for the straps keeping him down, he would have flung himself off of the gurney.

“He’s convulsing! We need that injection now,” one of them says.

Minhyuk is crying at this point, terrified at the sight in front of him. Mark is really dying and he can only watch. What if they don’t make it to the hospital in time? What if the hospital can’t do anything for him? He doesn’t want to think about it but with Mark convulsing in front of him, he can’t help but think that he’s going to lose his friend.

The paramedics are able to get the injection in despite the violent shaking and Minhyuk prays that it will do something fast.

A thought pops up in his head and he takes his phone out of his pocket. He can barely hold it still due to how badly he is trembling and the screen is blurry thanks to his tears but he’s able to get to his contacts list and find the person he’s looking for.

He answers on the third ring.

_ “Hello?” _

Minhyuk hiccups roughly at the voice, his tears fall harder as he thinks about how he’s going to have to be the bearer of such bad news. There’s no way to ease into this or make it lighter, he’s just going to have to drop such a heavy bomb on him.

_ “Minhyuk hyung? Are you crying? What’s wrong?” _

He tries to pull himself together so he can speak. He has to tell him. They have to know, especially if Mark may not make it.

“Jaebeom-ah...it’s...it’s Mark,” he says, voice going in and out.

_ “What about him? What’s going on?” _

Worry and urgency are now fully present in Jaebeom’s voice. You can almost see Jaebeom pressing the phone to his ear as he waits anxiously to hear what is going on.

Minhyuk feels himself break more as he opens his mouth to speak again. He sobs, unable to stop himself.

“Mark overdosed.”


	5. A waiting game

Minhyuk stares blankly at the white floors, tears finally having stopped and leaving him to fully take in everything.

A doctor can come out at any moment and tell him that Mark didn’t make it. Mark can very well be dead by now and he would have been the last person to talk to him. His last sight of Mark would be him convulsing in the back of an ambulance. The last words he would have ever heard from Mark would be him asking for help. Those would be his last moments with Mark and all of them are absolutely terrifying.

The sound of running catches his attention and he slowly looks up to see four familiar faces rushing to him. Another sad thought crosses his mind at the sight of them.

The last time they saw Mark could very well have been their very last time. For their sake, he hopes it’s a good memory.

Jinyoung reaches him first, bending down to meet his eyes. All Minhyuk can see is nothing but panic and fear in the younger’s eyes, so different from how composed Jinyoung usually looks.

“Hyung, what happened? Where is he? What’s going on?” Jinyoung asks, one after another.

Jaebeom puts a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder, silently telling him to give Minhyuk some space. Jinyoung takes a shaky breath and nods. He backs up and stands but is desperately waiting for those answers.

Minhyuk looks at them—Youngjae and Yugyeom already on the verge of tears, Jinyoung seeming frantic, and Jaebeom trying to keep a rein on his emotions no doubt for their sake—and he dreads having to tell them this. He can offer them nothing of comfort, only bad news.

“We were supposed to hang out today,” he says, voice sounding scratchy from all of the crying he did earlier. “When I first called him, he sounded really drained but he said that he just woke up. He said we were still on for the day and I told him I’d be there in two hours. Other than how tired he sounded, he seemed fine. He was okay.”

His hands begin to tremble again as he recalls everything. For as long as he lives, he will never be able to forget what he saw.

“When I was almost there, I called him again to let him know. But then he was breathing strangely, like he was having trouble, and he asked me for help. He could barely get out the words. I asked him what was wrong but all he said was help me please. A loud thump happened and then he wasn’t responding anymore. All I heard was Milo barking so I hung up and called 119. When I got to his house, I kicked the lock in and ran inside. I—”

He stops, rubbing his face as if that could block the image in his mind. He’ll see that image in his nightmares.

“He was on the floor. He was pale and his lips were blue. His chest wasn’t moving, I don’t know if he was breathing. I saw an opened pill bottle on the counter and I figured what happened. Paramedics came shortly after and they got him in the ambulance. He started convulsing though. He was just shaking and I didn’t know what was going on. They gave him some type of shot—they said it was to reverse the effects of the overdose. Once we reached here, they took him in and I’ve been waiting here since. I don’t know anything after that,” he says, pulling at his hair.

It’s destroying him not knowing. All he can think about is every bad way this can go and he knows he’s only making it worse for himself. He can’t stop though. Until a doctor tells him that Mark is alive, he won’t settle down.

“He’ll make it though, right? Hyung’s going to live, right?” Yugyeom says, turning to Jinyoung and Jaebeom.

He’s desperate to hear the word yes. He needs to hear that Mark will be okay. Mark has to be okay.

Neither elder can look him in the eyes though. They don’t know what to tell him. From Minhyuk’s look alone, they fear the worst for their eldest. They want to comfort Yugyeom but they can’t tell him anything that would do any good.

Yugyeom, sensing this, turns to Youngjae. Youngjae grabs his hand and squeezes it tightly. They’ll just have to wait to find out.

“Where’s Jackson and BamBam?” Minhyuk decides to ask, switching the topic for the sake of the youngers.

“Both of them are flying back here now. They took the first flight they could,” Jaebeom says.

After Minhyuk called him—and he made sure he heard the situation correctly because he couldn’t believe it at all—he called the others and told them what he was told. Jackson and BamBam were practically rushing to the airport while still on the phone. The news shook them all and none of them wanted to waste any time. They had to get to the hospital ASAP.

“Hopefully we get some news by the time they reach here,” Minhyuk replies.

It falls silent after that. With nothing else to say—minus the elephant in the room that no one wants to bring up just yet—they begin to anxiously wait for some news. Any news at this point because not knowing at all is going to drive them up a wall.

Time is lost to them as they wait, the clock just seeming to stop. They don’t even realize how much time has passed until they see two figures running their way, barely put together.

BamBam immediately goes to Yugyeom and Youngjae, spotting the tears resting in their eyes which makes him think the worst.

Jackson looks to Jaebeom, eyes asking what he fears to speak.

“No doctor has come yet. We don’t know anything,” Jaebeom answers.

Jackson inhales sharply, not knowing if he feels relieved or upset. It’s not bad news but no news isn’t very good now either.

BamBam turns to face the elders and gestures to his phone.

“There’s a video trending online. It’s Minhyuk hyung kicking in the door and then Mark hyung being carried out to the ambulance. He looks...he looks terrible in the video,” he says.

Once they landed and met up in the airport, he and Jackson were on their phones the entire time until they reached the hospital. While Jackson was keeping in touch with Jaebeom to see what’s going on, BamBam was going back and forth with the manager who wasn’t contacted in the midst of their panic. While he was doing so, however, it was brought to his attention that a video was online of Mark being put in the ambulance. He checked it for himself and felt his own heart stop.

Even without a closer view, he could tell that Mark seemed to barely be holding on to life.

From then on, the situation really became big. People were going crazy online wanting to know what was going on. Jackson got on the phone with Mark’s parents, knowing that they had to see the video by now, and it was the hardest phone call he ever had in his entire life. He couldn’t tell them anything because he didn’t know anything. He felt horrible that they had to find out that their son could be dying from a video online instead of a personal call like they received. He promised to keep them informed but he knows it didn’t do much for them.

He hopes he will be able to tell them something good eventually.

“His parents saw the video. I spoke to them already and they're losing their minds understandably. I feel bad that I couldn’t tell them much. The manager is heading to Mark’s house to check on the situation there and told us to keep him informed too,” Jackson says.

A video of this circulating is the last thing they needed right now. Even in a time of emergency, they can’t step away from all of the watching eyes and handle it. They know the second they step foot out of this hospital, they are going to be bombarded.

“We’ll deal with the uproar later. Right now, all we need is some information on what’s going on, especially so we can tell his parents,” Jaebeom responds.

The world can wait. All that matters right now is finding out whether or not Mark is going to make it. That’s it.

They all nod and go back to waiting for some news. Yugyeom and Youngjae have yet to let go of each other’s hands, BamBam is restless in his seat, Jinyoung won’t stop pacing, Jaebeom is still trying to keep it together, Jackson keeps looking down the hall, and Minhyuk is back to staring blankly at the floor. This waiting stuff is going to ruin them at this point.

It’s Jackson who finally brings up the most important question that they were all dancing around.

“Was he trying to...kill...himself?”

The question lingers in the air and they all feel its weight.

It was no secret that Mark hasn’t been himself lately. He seemed so tired, like he wasn’t really living but instead just going through the motions. They tried to figure out what was wrong but he insisted that he was okay. They couldn’t do much after that. But was what they were seeing something much more severe? Did they watch Mark lose his will to live until he got to this point?

“I don’t know. I want to believe that he wasn’t because he was getting ready to hang out with me and he did ask me for help. I want to believe that this is a terrible accident and he wasn’t actually attempting this. I don’t know though. I really don’t,” Minhyuk says.

They all want to believe that he wasn’t. He didn’t leave any of them some type of note and they’re pretty sure that he would say goodbye to them at the very least if he was going to do such a thing so they have reason to believe he wasn’t trying to do this. Unfortunately, though, it’s a question only Mark himself can answer.

And they can only hope that they can speak to him again to ask.

They fall back into silence. Everything at this point is a waiting and hoping game.

Finally—Goddamn finally—a doctor walks up to them.

They all pop up, alert and ready to finally hear some news.

“Are you all here for Mr. Tuan?” He asks.

The look in his eyes tells them that he already knows who they are which makes things simpler since they are not biological family to Mark but damn close enough.

They all nod quickly.

“My name is Dr. Kang Do-won. We’ve stabilized his condition and, as far as we can see now, he will be okay,” he says.

They collectively let out the breaths they were holding in. Mark’s alive, thank goodness he’s alive.

“We gave him the injection to reverse the overdose and we pumped his stomach. He’s on oxygen and probably will need it for a while considering the stress his lungs went through for some time. He seems to have hit his head harshly so we will be monitoring that as well. He’s still unconscious currently so we have to wait until he wakes up to do further testing. But as of this moment, he is stable,” Dr. Kang says.

That’s all they need to hear—that he’s stable. They can work from there, they just needed to know that he’s alive.

“Can we see him?” Jinyoung asks.

Dr. Kang seems to debate it with himself for a bit before nodding to them understandingly.

“You can but mind your voices. Usually so many people are not allowed at one time but we can make an exception this time. Follow me,” he says.

Immediately they agree. They won’t say a word if it means they can see Mark. They’re grateful that he’s allowing them to go despite normal procedures.

They follow behind him, anxiousness rattling inside of them as they try to prepare themselves for whatever they’re going to see. For Minhyuk though, he thinks he’ll be okay because nothing can be worse than how he found Mark. He thinks any sight of Mark now will be a breath of relief to him.

They’re led to a room and the doctor gestures to it.

“Please inform the nurse if he wakes up,” he says.

They nod and he leaves them to it.

All of them taking a deep breath, they ready themselves for this. When they are okay, Jackson opens the door slowly.

The world stops as their eyes land on Mark.

He’s lying in the bed, eyes closed as if he was only sleeping. His black hair is messily splayed on the pillow and the oxygen mask covers his nose and mouth. He has wires and lines connected to him—one of them connected to the EKG that softly but steadily beeps, telling them that his heart is beating. He still is lacking a bit of color but nothing of too much concern. He’s completely still minus the gentle rise and fall of his chest, something Minhyuk especially is glad to see.

They file in, closing the door behind them, and get as close as they can to the bed. He’s okay. He’s alive. They can see it for themselves, he is alive.

“Thank God you’re alive,” Minhyuk whispers to Mark, a tear falling onto Mark’s hand.

This isn’t some type of movie where he’ll suddenly begin to stir at the single tear but they don’t need it to be. Him being alive is enough for them.

They settle down, not planning to leave this room any time soon. The only noise that happens in the room is when Jackson calls Mark’s parents to tell them the news. Through the phone you can hear Mark’s mother crying in relief at hearing her son is alive and they’re all glad that news could be given to her. Jackson promises to let them know when Mark wakes up and any information the doctor tells them. They thank him and hang up—the room falling back into silence.

Hours go by as they stay in that room, watching Mark’s chest rise and fall. A nurse comes by every so often to make sure things are okay but that’s the most motion they see. She even comes by one time with snacks, knowing full and well that none of them were leaving to get food any time coming. They thank her and go back to waiting in silence. But at least this time the silence isn’t anxiety-filled.

The sun has already begun to set when they hear a groggy groan.

They all snap their heads to the bed and see Mark’s eyes shut a bit tighter before slowly opening. His head falls to the side as his eyes struggle to open and make out shapes.

Minhyuk is the first one over to him, grabbing his hand gently.

“Mark? Hyung, can you hear me?” He says.

Mark’s eyes slowly raise to look at Minhyuk. His fingers twitch around Minhyuk’s hand in response.

It’s more than enough though. Minhyuk lets out a relieved laugh, tears once again falling from his eyes.

“It’s been hours since you last responded to me. I’m so happy,” he says, almost choking over his own emotions.

Mark lightly squeezes his hand again, head moving slightly as an attempted nod.

Yugyeom, BamBam, and Youngjae scurry over to the other side of Mark, all of them crying in relief along with Minhyuk. They each grab one of his fingers, holding on like a small child would their parent.

“You’re awake. You’re finally awake,” Youngjae says.

Mark slowly tosses his head over to their side, meeting their wet faces with half-opened eyes. He pushes out another groggy sound from his throat, hoping it to be enough though weak.

It means everything to them though. Their hyung is okay.

Jackson, Jinyoung, and Jaebeom stand behind their youngest, equally as relieved to see Mark awake. It feels like everything can move again.

“I’ll get the nurse,” Jinyoung says.

Now that he’s awake, they have to make sure that he can recover properly. They want to cooperate with the hospital staff as much as they possibly can so Mark can assuredly have a good recovery.

It truly settles in their minds and they’ve never been more relieved in their lives.

Mark is alive.


	6. Believe him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any text in bold is them speaking in English

The next morning when the six of them walk into the room, Mark is sitting up in the bed.

He looks up and a tired smile spreads across his face as he sees them enter. It’s so nice to see them—really see them because so much was blurry yesterday.

“Hi guys,” he says, voice a bit weak but better than yesterday by a lot.

He has the nasal cannula on this time instead of the mask, allowing him to speak better while still receiving oxygen.

They all wave to him, giving him their own small smiles, happy to see him up. He looks better from last night so that’s good.

“How are you feeling today, hyung?” Yugyeom asks.

Mark gives a so-so motion.

“I still feel really weak and I’m a bit tired but other than that I’m fine. The nurse said I can try eating something later on if I feel up to it. I should also be off oxygen soon,” he says.

Hearing him say that he’s tired sends chills down their spines. All they can think about is how many times he told them that before and then he ended up almost dying. Those words are no longer something light.

“Did you get some sleep last night?” Jinyoung asks him.

“A bit. They did a few tests and kept coming in to check on me so that kept me up a bit but I was able to sleep,” Mark responds.

They know why the nurses kept checking in on him but they wonder if he does.

When they were leaving yesterday, Dr. Kang caught them once again and spoke with them. He told them that sooner or later, when Mark is cognizant enough of everything, he’ll need to be asked some questions. He put it very bluntly, saying that they don’t know if this was a suicide attempt or not so until they do, Mark will have to be monitored carefully. It made sense—better to be safe than sorry—but it really drove into their minds that Mark could have very well been trying to take his own life. And until they know for sure that he wasn’t, he’ll be treated like he was.

Hence why the nurses kept checking in on him and why they were told to leave the door open. He has to be watched just in case he tries anything.

But looking at him now, he doesn’t look like someone who intentionally overdosed. They know that they can’t really go off of how he looks but it does give them some hope.

“That’s good, you need the rest. Your body went through a lot yesterday,” Jaebeom says.

An understatement to be truthful but they don’t want to rush into all of that. They don’t want to rush him—not when he was barely holding on to life just yesterday.

“Yeah, it did,” Mark replies somberly. 

His eyes become a bit distant as his own memories of yesterday play in his mind. That was an extremely terrifying experience for him. To feel his own body shut down like that and he couldn’t do anything about it—he doesn’t think he can ever explain that feeling. He really thought he was going to die. He probably would have if it wasn’t for Minhyuk.

He shakes the memory though and tries to lighten his expression. He doesn’t want to think about that.

“Ah, how’s Milo? I remember hearing him bark before everything went black. Is he okay?” He says, trying to move away from the darker stuff for now.

None of them miss the switch in subject. They’ll let it go for now but eventually, some time today, they’re going to talk about what they need to.

“He’s fine. I took him home,” Youngjae says.

Since he already has most of the stuff needed, they thought it best for him to take Milo while Mark is in the hospital. The poor dog seemed shaken up from everything but Coco’s presence seemed to help him out. Hopefully Mark can be discharged soon so Milo can be reunited with his owner.

“Thank you. I’m glad he’s in good hands,” Mark replies.

Milo and Minhyuk are the two who saw him at his worst. He knows that Youngjae can handle his excitable dog. He fears for Minhyuk though and fears for the next time he sees his friend. He doesn’t know how that conversation is going to go.

Youngjae nods, giving him a smile. Mark can tell it’s more to comfort him than anything but he’ll take it. He’s already dreading the moment when the tears start. He wants them to smile as much as they can before things get emotional.

He forgot about one important thing though. Or more like he was pushing it off.

“I don’t mean to rush you but do you think you can handle a phone call? Your parents really want to speak with you now that you’re up,” Jackson says, pointing to his phone.

Mark’s parents probably didn’t even sleep with all that is going on. No doubt, they won’t settle down until they hear from Mark himself. And unlike the rest of them where they can go to the hospital to see him or take a short flight over here to visit him, they can’t do that. They’re all the way on the other side of the world, having to wait for one of them to tell them what’s going on. Their high level of concern is very understandable.

Mark knows this himself and while he wants to comfort them, he’s scared to have that conversation. What could he possibly say to them? How could he make them feel better? There’s no way he’d be able to keep it together on the phone with them.

But he can’t push the conversation off. For their sake, he has to do it sooner than later.

“I can,” he says.

Jackson nods and hands him his phone unlocked. The six of them give each other looks and it’s silently agreed to all step out to give Mark some privacy. Because they can’t close the door, they just step away from it as best as they can.

Mark takes a deep breath and searches for his mother’s number. His hands are trembling slightly but he tells himself that he can do it. He has to do this.

He finds her number and dials it before he can think otherwise.

It barely rings once.

**“Hello? Jackson? Is everything okay?”**

Mark’s breath is shaky as he hears his mother’s worried voice. She probably waits by her phone just so she doesn’t miss a call.

**“Hi mom,”** he says, trying to keep his voice steady.

He hears shuffling in the background and he imagines it’s everyone behind her trying to get closer to the phone. Little shhs in the back confirm his ideas.

**“Mark?”** She says, her voice shaking.

**“It’s me,”** he says, nodding his head though she can’t see.

He hears her thank God in Mandarin, relief in her words but the worry not fully gone either.

**“How do you feel? Are you okay?”** She asks.

**“I’m okay. I’m getting better. I’ll even be off of oxygen soon and will be able to eat—I’m getting better mom,”** he replies, trying to give her something good. 

He knows it won’t do much but he has to tell her some good news—something to make up for the worry he put them through.

But nothing will give her comfort until she knows what everyone has been wondering since yesterday.

He hears her shoo away the others around her before turning back to the phone.

**“Mark, I need you to be honest with me okay. It’s just you and me, you can tell me anything,”** she says, her voice reminding him of how she would speak to him as a child. The tone would get him to speak in a heartbeat, the sound of it so loving and safe.

Mark’s breath hitches, knowing what’s coming. A lump rests in his throat but he wills himself to not make a sound.

**“Jackson tells me that the doctor said that you...that you overdosed. They said the medicine you took was really strong. Before anything I need you to tell me if you’ve been using drugs. I need you to be honest with me,”** she says. 

It’s one thing he thought about when his head was clear enough for him to. Anyone hearing what happened to him is no doubt going to wonder if (and probably assume that) he was abusing drugs. It’s almost expected that a celebrity does something like that so it’s going to be one of the first assumptions. But he knows his mother isn’t assuming that about him—she’s just getting it out of the way.

**“I haven’t. I would never, I mean it,”** he says.

**“Alright then, good. I’m happy. But if you aren’t doing drugs, that leaves an important question and I really need to know the truth.”**

Her voice breaks and Mark hears her breathing shift, signaling that she’s barely holding it together. He feels his eyes burn at the thought of her crying and his heart hurts at the thought that he’s the reason why she’s crying.

**“Were you trying...were you trying to k—”**

**“No! No, mama I wasn’t. Please don’t say it, please,”** he says, cutting her off because he can’t bear to hear her say those words.

She breaks down and he can hear her cries clearly through the speaker.

**“We would watch your lives and shows and you always seemed so tired. It was as if you had no life in you but we didn’t know what was wrong. And then we see a video online of you being taken in an ambulance and no one knew what happened to you. Jackson said it was an overdose and all we could think about was how lifeless you’ve looked. We were so scared. You were so tired, we...we…”**

Her voice gets lost in her tears and Mark can hear her pain so clearly. He can no longer hold back his own tears, clutching the phone to his ear as if that could bring her closer to him.

**“No, I promise I wasn’t. I promise, I promise. It was an accident, I swear it was. I took too much by accident. I want to live. I want to spend time with you and papa and Tammy and Grace and Joey. I want to be with my friends and make music together. I want to make people happy. I want to live mama—I do, I do. Please don’t cry, I’m sorry I worried you. I’m sorry I wasn’t careful. It was an accident, please believe me, please,”** he cries, desperate to convince her.

He hasn’t been himself, yes, but never has he ever thought about  _ killing himself _ . It never crossed his mind. But he knows he’s going to have to do a lot of convincing to a lot of people to get them to believe that as well. Stars committing suicide is a tragic trend but he doesn’t want to join those statistics. He’ll scream it if he has to—he wasn’t attempting suicide.

She sniffles, composing herself a bit.

**“I believe you, baby, I believe you. But we still need to know what’s going on. You haven’t been okay and we want to know what’s wrong so we can help you. We want to help you,”** she says, loving and safe tone back in her voice despite her tears.

**“I don’t know. I really don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure it out but I don’t know. I’ve been trying to get better but I don’t know where to start,”** he replies.

He truly does want to get better. If not for himself, for his friends and family who he put through so much. He wants to get better so they won’t have to be so worried about him. He wants to show them that he’ll be okay. But where does he start? How does he get better? What does he do?

**“Okay, okay, we’ll start from there. We’ll find out what’s wrong and then continue from there. Do this for me, okay? When the doctor comes to talk with you, listen to them carefully. Tell them what you’ve been feeling—all of your symptoms—so they can help you. And when you get even a clue of what’s been going on, you call me. Even if it’s two in the morning over here, you call me. Can you do that for me? Can you promise me that?”** She says.

**“I can. I will. I promise. I promise I’ll let you know immediately,”** he responds, nodding his head fervently.

He wishes she was with him now so he can see her and hold her. She’d pet his hair and reassure him that she’d be there no matter what. She can say that now but nothing would beat the comfort of actually seeing his family here with him. Whenever he gets the time, he is taking the first plane to them that he can. After almost dying and never seeing them again, he needs to spend time with them.

**“Thank you. I love you, Mark,”** she says.

**“I love you too, mama,”** he says.

His mother decides to let him go because she knows he most likely couldn’t handle talking to his siblings right now, especially since he’s already crying. She’d have a household of crying kids if she let them talk to Mark so she’ll give them all time to prepare himself a bit more.

Hanging up the phone this time was harder than ever before but they’re both able to do it, leaving Mark by himself once again. He doesn’t even bother to wipe his tears because he knows he’s about to do a lot more crying.

“You can come back in,” he calls, tossing his head back onto his pillow.

Slowly, his six friends peek their heads into the room, entering cautiously. They didn’t hear what was said but they definitely heard his crying. They know that was an emotional discussion.

Because they’re in there with him, they’re allowed to close the door to give them privacy for whatever is about to come up next. Considering that Mark is still crying, they can tell it’s time for their own emotional discussion.

Surprisingly, Mark is the first one to speak.

“I wasn’t attempting. I promise you I wasn’t. I know how it looks and it all adds up to that but I swear, I really wasn’t,” he says, putting his hands to his eyes, body shaking as a particularly rough sob comes from him.

And right to the topic at heart.

They all step closer to him, gathering around his bed.

“We believe you. What were you trying to do though? How did you end up overdosing?” Jinyoung asks calmly, trying to show him that they are not mad in any way.

Another sob racks through Mark’s body and they see more tears stream down his cheeks.

“I was trying to stop the pain in my head. It was hurting so badly, I could barely see. I just wanted it to go away so I could have a good day out. I wasn’t trying to do anything but that, I swear I wasn’t. I counted the pills, I know I did, but maybe I counted wrong—I don’t know what happened but I wasn’t trying to do anything but get rid of my headache. It was so painful, I just wanted it to go away,” he cries.

Jackson, the closest one to his head, puts a gentle hand in his hair and cards through it.

“They’ve been getting worse, haven’t they? Why didn’t you tell any of us?” He says softly.

Mark hiccups heavily and if he didn’t have that oxygen, they’d be worried about his breathing.

“I thought I could handle them. I didn’t want to cause any trouble but then I ended up scaring you all. I scared you guys, my family, Minhyuk—I scared you all and caused so much trouble. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he says.

He really didn’t want to bring them any trouble. He tried to handle it himself—he really did—but he messed up so badly. How can he fix it? Can he fix it after what he put them through? He can’t believe that he was so reckless. In a matter of a few moments, he could have lost everything. He could have caused everyone so much pain and it would have been all because he was reckless.

Jaebeom reaches forward and carefully moves Mark’s hands from his eyes, giving him a warm look. 

“Take a breath. It’s okay,” he says gently, using his thumb to rub the back of Mark’s hand soothingly.

Youngjae, on the other side of the bed, wipes the tears streaming down Mark’s red face. Next to him, BamBam gives him a caring smile.

“You don’t have to apologize, hyung,” BamBam says.

Yugyeom grabs Mark’s other hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. Even without saying anything, the care and support are clear to be seen.

It hits Mark right in his heart.

“But-but I—”

“No buts, you really don’t have to apologize. We were worried yes but that’s because we care about you. What happened was unfortunate—terrifying—but you said it was an accident so why would we hold that against you? Instead of focusing on what went wrong, let’s try to make things better one step at a time—starting with your headaches. Can we do that?” Jaebeom says.

That leader quality comes out in Jaebeom’s words and it does so much for them all really. If anyone could put a logical and level spin to this, they aren’t surprised that it’s Jaebeom. While he’s still considering the emotions involved in all of this, he’s pushing them along so they can begin to fix things and overcome this situation. It’s one of the qualities that makes them trust him so much as their leader.

Mark finds himself nodding, ready and willing to do whatever it takes to start fixing this.

“We’re really glad you’re okay hyung,” Yugyeom says, giving him a slightly teary smile.

Mark returns it—smiling through his tears with a warm heart.

“I am too. I’m so happy you guys are here,” he responds.

He doesn’t know what he would do without them. He secretly thought that all of them would be so upset with him for everything and was preparing himself to beg for forgiveness from now till kingdom come. But them being here for him and comforting him pushed that idea out of his mind and made him feel so much better. They really are brothers to him.

With the emotionally heavier stuff out of the way, the seven of them begin to fall in a more lighthearted feeling. They want to keep the spirits up now that they know they can handle this situation together—really handle it, not just looking for short and quick solutions.

Time passes and they spend it just being together. They don’t have to say anything—they’re comfortable just sitting in silence together. Mark being awake and talking is enough for them and them being by his side is enough for Mark. It all works.

Some time a bit after noon, there’s a knock on the room door.

Dr. Kang Do-won and a female doctor walk in the room. Mark has yet to see either of them before but he knows already that he’s going to have a different type of checkup than the ones he has previously had with the nurses.

“Good afternoon everyone. Mr. Tuan, I see you’re up and talking, that’s good. How do you feel today?” Dr. Kang says.

“I’m alright. I’m just tired and weak, really,” Mark replies.

Dr. Kang nods in understanding. He expected no less.

“Understandable. Are you okay to answer a few questions for us?” He says.

Mark has a good idea of what those questions are going to be about but he has to do it. He did promise his mom to listen and be open with doctors and he himself wants to get better quickly so if he has to go through these questions again, so be it.

He nods.

Dr. Kang turns to the others in the room but he doesn’t even have to say anything—they know already.

“We’ll be back. We’re going to get some food and come back,” Jinyoung says to Mark.

The six of them leave the room, closing the door behind them, leaving Mark and the two doctors alone. Both doctors turn back to Mark.

“My name is Dr. Kang Do-won and this is my colleague Dr. Sin Mi-ran. She’s the resident psychiatrist. We would just like to ask you a few questions,” Dr. Kang says.

A psychiatrist? Well he wasn’t expecting that but alright then.

“Okay, sure,” Mark replies.

Let’s get it over with. The sooner the better he guesses.

“So as you most likely know by now, you had an overdose on a medicine called Oxycodone which is an opioid generally used for moderate to severe pain. Checking your medical record, we see that you were prescribed it a while back due to a leg injury. Are you having or have you had any trouble with drug abuse, especially in regards to the one you were prescribed?” Dr. Kang says.

So that’s what he took. He must have either taken too many pills or his body just wasn’t used to that dosage anymore—if that’s how it works, he’s not really sure. All he knows is that it was not a fun experience in the slightest. He doesn’t see how someone could risk that often—addictions are a terrible thing.

“No. I generally don’t take medicines unless I find it necessary,” he replies.

Even with him taking it more often as of late, he wouldn’t say he really needed to. It wasn’t out of urge or anything, he honestly just wanted to lessen the pain when it was too much.

“Alright. Now I am mandated to ask this. Were you attempting to commit suicide when you took the Oxycodone?” Dr. Kang asks.

Now that is the most straightforward way he has been asked that question. He isn’t surprised though, he’s doing his job. Honestly, the staff most likely believes he was and that’s why they’ve been checking on him so often. He can understand the caution.

“I wasn’t. I’ve been having headaches for a while now and the one I was having was excruciating. It was to the point where I couldn’t see clearly. The normal medicine I would take wasn’t really working that well so I went to see if I had anything stronger. I didn’t really realize what I was taking or how many I took,” he explains.

It sounds even more reckless as he says it aloud but it is the truth. He’d rather sound reckless than have them believing that he’s suicidal.

“How long have you been having your headaches?” Dr. Kang asks.

Mark tries to think back to the first time this started but he really doesn’t know. With his days dragging on, it feels like it’s been almost a year by now.

“I’m not sure. A month? More? I’ve been losing track of time lately—it all felt the same,” he replies.

Dr. Sin seems to silently respond to that comment, her turning more to him.

“Along with your headaches, what else have you been feeling? Anything that you have been feeling,” she says.

At this very moment, he can hear his mother telling him to tell them all that he’s been feeling. It’s as if she’s right there in the room, giving him that look that means for him to go ahead. Even if he doesn’t find a particular “symptom” as important, say it anyway.

“I’ve been tired—drained really, like I’m moving slow. My focus has been waning. I uh haven’t been sleeping a lot either. I either have trouble falling asleep or I can’t stay asleep. And I haven’t had much of an appetite lately. I think that’s it,” he lists.

He can see her mentally taking notes of the things he’s saying and he wonders what she’s thinking about. He feels like he’s being analyzed and while that’s good to figure out what’s going on with him, he still feels a bit uncomfortable with the idea.

“Yesterday, when you had the headache, were you doing anything?” She asks.

“No. I woke up but ended up staying in my bed for a long while—I didn’t feel like getting up. It started while I was just laying there,” he replies.

She nods as if pieces are now connecting in her head. He would like to know what she’s connecting because he’d really like to know what’s been going on with him lately.

“And have you found yourself with a loss of interest in things you once enjoyed?” She asks.

Mark nods, almost wondering how she knew that. He didn’t know that was also considered a symptom but if it helps them figure out what’s going on then okay.

“Though I am neither confirming nor denying this, have you ever considered that you may be going through depressive symptoms?” She asks.

Mark’s face completely twists in confusion at the question. He almost thought he heard wrong.

“Depressive symptoms? Like depression? I don’t have anything to be depressed about though. I’m happy with things,” he says.

He doesn’t see how that could be a thought. He loves what he does, he’s around people who love and support him, and he has so many things that he’s thankful for—how could he be depressed?

“Depression is a bit more complicated than many seem to realize. There are many cases where a particular reason why someone could be feeling that way is not found and plenty of those times they do have many things that they are happy about. A lot that goes on in the mind can be complicated to understand and depression is one of those things. There may be a reason for someone’s depression, one you may not readily think of—such as a traumatic event in the past that was pushed away—or it could be more psychological where hormones and chemicals play a large role in it. In my personal opinion, I do believe that it would be best to at least take the assessment to see,” Dr. Sin says.

He can’t believe this. Could that really have been the trouble all of this time? Is there actually a chance where he could be dealing with a form of depression?

“But a lot of what I felt was physical. Could my headaches also be attributed to that?” He questions.

“There are cases where headaches can be linked to someone’s depression. Sometimes the headache makes the depression worse and other times the depression makes the headache worse. While we won’t quickly throw it on that and will run tests to see what else could be the cause of your frequent headaches, it is a possibility,” she responds.

Wow, okay. This is a lot for him to take in. Never in a million years he would have thought he’d hear someone suggest that he could have some form of depression. But then again he also never thought he’d have “almost die from a drug overdose” on his list either but yet here he is. He guesses that he just has to keep an open mind to everything. He’s here to get better. That still remains a fact even if things go a way he never expected. And they are definitely going a way he was not expecting—and that’s saying something because he wasn’t expecting much. Hell, he wasn’t even expecting to live for a good bit there. But he just has to work with it.

“Alright then. I guess I’ll do the assessment to check,” he says.

“Okay, great. I’ll come back then when you’ve finished with a few more tests and when you have a bit more energy in you,” Dr. Sin says.

He nods, not really having much more to say after that. He thinks now he just has to wrap his head around things. Or take a nap. He thinks the latter sounds better really.

Dr. Kang goes over to the sink to sanitize his hands and grab a pair of gloves. Mark figures they’re going to be moving out of the mental questions and move on to his physical state. At least they’re not lingering, he’ll give them that. At this point though, he's glad to move on to the physical checkup. He's been through enough emotions in just these few hours.

Dr. Kang turns back to him.

“Why don’t we go ahead and check to see how you are now?”


	7. A step toward getting better

The car pulls to a stop.

Mark looks out of the window with an uncertain frown. He turns back to Jinyoung and Jackson who are dropping him off.

“Do I really have to do this? I don’t like the idea of talking to some stranger about thoughts and feelings,” he says.

It’s been a week since he was discharged from the hospital. He didn’t rush back into his schedule but instead, he is slowly joining the others for certain things. The fans have been ecstatic to see him again since it was revealed that he was in the hospital—the reason why being left out of course—and they have been worried about him. Their excitement and good wishes help give him more strength throughout the day. His friends have been watching him closely, making sure he’s okay, and though it can feel overbearing at times, he does really appreciate it. They try to help him out whatever way they can. Sometimes, it’s just making him laugh when he was slipping into his thoughts and truthfully, it means a lot to him.

One thing he isn’t too happy about though is that he has to go see a psychologist now. Well, it was “advised” that he goes but he knew what was going to happen. It was actually Tammy who convinced him to accept it and at least try it out but now that he’s here, he doesn’t know if he can do this. He’s visiting a psychologist to talk about his depression—what is there to talk about honestly? Why can’t he just be mindful about it and keep it going? He doesn’t want to be analyzed and mentally picked apart for an hour every single week. He just doesn’t see the point in it.

“Well you don’t have to but it would be good if you did. They are expecting you as well,” Jinyoung says.

Both Jinyoung and Jackson came along to drop him off mainly because they knew he’d be hesitant. They want to show that they’re here for him but also want to make sure that he does what’s best for his mental health.

“Can’t I just talk things out with you guys or something? Do I really have to go in?” Mark tries.

Jackson gives him a small comforting but knowing smile in response.

“You could but we don’t really know how to help you like they would. Besides, would you really tell us everything?” He says.

Mark knows he has a point there. He wouldn’t tell them everything mainly because he doesn’t want to burden them. Besides, he doesn’t even know what to talk about so he doesn’t know how well those conversations would go.

“Just give it one try. If it’s absolutely terrible or uncomfortable for you then we’ll take it from there but just give it a chance today. We want you to get better—both physically and mentally. If this can help you then it’s worth a shot,” Jackson says.

Mark sighs.

“Fine, I’ll give it a chance,” he says.

Both Jinyoung and Jackson smile, proud of him for making a good choice.

“Thank you. We’ll be down here when you finish,” Jinyoung says.

Mark unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out of the car. He looks back at them and they both give him two thumbs up in encouragement. He gives a weary half-smile in return and turns back to the building.

“Here I go,” he mumbles to himself.

He enters the building, shows his ID to the guard, and then takes the elevator up to the fifteenth floor. When he steps out, he sees that there’s really only one door for him to go to so he goes. 

There’s a receptionist typing away behind her desk so he walks up to her, unsure of what he’s supposed to do.

She looks up and gives him a friendly smile.

“Hello. My name is Tuan Mark, I’m here for an appointment with Dr. Hae at 1:00,” he says.

She types something in the computer and nods.

“Yes, you’re in the system. She’ll be with you in a moment. You can have a seat and she’ll call you in,” she replies, gesturing to the seats behind him.

He nods and goes over to the seats, sitting down and trying not to show his nerves. He just has to give it one chance. He just has to stay open-minded to it and try to make this work. Who knows, this may actually do him some good. That’s what he wants in the end so he will work with it and give this chance his best effort and cooperation.

He thinks of Jackson and Jinyoung who are waiting for him downstairs and the other members who gave him comforting and reassuring gestures before he left. They want to help him and see him get help. Though this whole situation is new and different for them all, they’re still willing to take this journey with him. He doesn’t think there was ever a time before this where the phrase “Seven or never; Seven or nothing” felt so real to him. They really do have his back even though there are a lot of things they all still don’t know about. He really couldn’t do this without them.

He waits for about five minutes before the door in the office opens and a woman steps out.

“Mr. Tuan, you can come in now,” she says with a kind but professional smile.

Mark stands up, taking a deep breath. Okay, this is it. He’s going to go in that room and give this therapy thing a try even though he doesn’t know what to expect. He wants to be able to go back downstairs and honestly tell them that he kept an open mind and tried it out. He wants to show them that he’s trying to help himself just like how they are trying to help him.

This is just one step he has to take. For his sake, his family’s sake, and his friends’ sake—he can do this.

This is his step toward getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end~
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this story. Please leave a kudos or a comment if you liked it, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you again for reading ❤️! 
> 
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> 
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